Patience is something I lack. I am really NOT GOOD at being patient. Not at all. I create lists of million things that have to be done and expect to complete them all at the same time and asap. Now! I don’t care how long they supposed to take and whether it’s a right time for them to happen. In my head they just need to be completed.
The thing is the lists I create never get done. They don’t because my expectations are just unrealistic and my timelines are plain stupid. What happens instead is I get overwhelmed, I start feeling like I’m failing, and most of the time I scrap the whole list and never get back to those items. I mean I couldn’t complete them so why bother trying again, why believe that I could get through them…It gets even better, I slowly start believing that I am incapable of completing anything that requires consistency or dedication because – well there are so many ‘becauses’ that listing the all would be impossible. Here I go again – can’t even dedicate myself to list my excuses.
The truth is – I have only one excuse – I am IMPATIENT. If something can’t happen NOW it’s most likely something I should give up on. And so I do. Over and over and over. Unless I have an army of people who hear my idea and take over. Yeah, things happen when I don’t set a ‘now’ timeline for others.
So why do I do it to myself? Why do I set a ‘now’ timeline which is totally unreasonable. Which at the end leads me to believing that I am failure that can’t accomplish anything?
Like I said – I lack patience. But there is much more to it. I’m not talking about clean the pantry, plant the flowers type of lists. I’m talking about the lists that would bring me closer to what I was destined to do. They not supposed to happen ‘now’. They should take weeks, months, and even years. Subconsciously I am dealing with a fear of failure and a fear of accomplishment at the same time. If I fail, so many that could benefit from my idea would never receive those benefits. And if I succeed, it may become so big and so overwhelming I will not be able to managed it. But if I succeed, it will be so beautiful.
I’ve known my calling since I was a little girl. I’ve lived my life doing what I’ve been called to do. All I need to do is make it official. In a right time. In a right way. With help of God. With a bit of patience.
I’m not going to make a list this time. I will however believe that one, three or five years from today I will deliver what I was called to do on this earth. I will take it slow and I will let it happen in the right time.