If I’m worrying its because I’m trying to be God – Jill Bricoe
I have this crippling fear of Bud being kidnapped. I never worry that he will get hurt or get sick. Kidnapping is the ONLY thing I worry about. It started on the day he was born. It never went away and it gets stronger with every day. It wakes me up at nights. It disables me. It limits my and Bud’s lives. I don’t let him out of my sight even for a second and I argue with James if he leaves him unattended for 1 minute on the back patio. I’ve read everything I could about avoiding contact with human traffickers and I skip half of my shopping lists just to get out of the store quicker. Home is the only place I feel safe with Bud.
Last night I woke up at 1 am terrified. I was entering a panic attack and no matter how deeply I tried to breath I couldn’t stop it. So I did what I always do – I prayed. I prayed that Bud will not get kidnapped. I cried asking God not to take my boy from me. This time around my heart wasn’t slowing down and my panic attack wasn’t going away. My irrational fear was taking over my ability to think clearly enough to pray. Defeated I asked God ‘Teach me how to let go of this worry. God it is taking me away from who I am and what I should be doing. I cannot function and live out your purpose while submitting to this crippling fear’. For the first time I redirected my prayer from act of kidnapping to act of trust and letting worry go.
God has interesting ways of talking to me. I used to think I was weird but eventually I embraced the weirdness and learned to pay attention to His ways of sending a message – something I call my personal burning bushes.Today wasn’t any different. I chose a podcast I wanted to listen on my morning walk (first morning walk since Kade was born, and only because I had to take Bud of of the house so Kade and James could sleep little longer). I pressed play and… nothing happened. I thought it didn’t download properly so I went to a different podcast and pressed play… nothing happened. I tried two more… nothing happened. I finally opened Jill Briscoe podcast series, scrolled and pressed play on a random podcast without reading a subject. After all, it most likely wasn’t going to play anyway. But it did. It played and it was about overcoming worry. Really God? Not only He dragged me out of the house to avoid depression crippling in but He answered my prayer – I will teach you my child how to deal with the worry. For the next 26 minutes I listened to Jill I realized that God never intended for us to worry. Satan did.
Jill said that ‘What’s not in faith is sin’. My unreasonable worry is a sin. It’s telling God I don’t trust him, I don’t have faith in His love for me and my son.
Letting go of worry and replacing it with faith is not always going to be easy. I will practice it really hard though. Worry creeps in – pray – let it go – have faith… and repeat. And maybe one day I will just have faith and no need for it to be prompted by worry.
As I’m writing this blog my little boy is running around the yard. He’s getting awfully close to the edge of the house and my heart speeds up and my stomach clenches. And I pray – ‘God help me trust in your protection for this little angel and in his ability to understand that running off is dangerous’. Bud doesn’t go past the edge of the house. He observes a car he heard approaching and comes back to the middle. He repeats it a few times. I don’t have to scream ‘danger’ this time around. There is still a great amount of worry in me and my heart is about to jump out of my chest but I’m practicing faith.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.~Phil 4:6-7 NIV